Writing Frustration

Writer's Block

It doesn't look right
It doesn't feel right
It doesn't flow right...
It keeps me uptight.
It bothers my day
and keeps me up at night.
What it needs is
a complete rewrite.
I chase that beguiling muse
taken flight.
Will no one help me
with my tortured plight?
Or just explain to me at all,
why I must write?

lmpc© 

Praying for Susan

Currently, I am spending time praying for the well being of my friend, Susan. She's had some scary health concerns of late and today was her birthday. She's my age.

I love her to pieces!

I don't have a lot of people I consider real friends in life, but Susan is one! When I arrived at OHS waaaay back when...after losing my mom then being set out on my own barely 15 years of age, Susan was one of THE only girls in that entire high school to give me the time of day. She was a free spirit and really didn't give a hoot what anyone said or thought.

She and I "hung out" all the time. Skipped year book meetings to ride around and get into mischief and just spend time having what we thought was fun back then. She was more like my sister than just a friend. I called her mom "mom"... and later in life, she was "gramma" to our two kids. She's still going into her 90's!! And Susan is just as wonderful as she's ever been with a lot of "mom" thrown in!

Being considered part of Susan's family was one of my greatest memories and joys. She might not remember half the things that went on back then, but I remember every one of them! You see, when I came to that little community, I was a lost soul. Seriously. And no one even took time to dig beneath the surface to get to know me at all...except for Susan. And she seemed to like me. 

Life up to that point had been messy and I was just in limbo. My feelings were all on hold while I tried to make sense of life and go to school and be a "normal" kid (as normal as one can be under the circumstances). And part of my "normal" was having a good friend like Susan. We went to school dances and double dated and even sent for 'paper dresses' ... to wear at the annual Fun Days Celebration! We dodged dates with boys we didn't like and pursued dates w/those we did! And we just had fun, always.

She's someone who thankfully didn't believe the rumors about "the new girl" and set about finding some of the real me inside the shell of a girl that I was then. I am so grateful to her for her loving friendship then and now. She's a special special woman who is needed by her family and today and every day hereafter... there's a block of time set aside to just pray for her restored health and safety! 

I may have only had one good friend growing up. It may well be that Susan will go down in the annuls of history as being the best friend a person could ever have.  To have rescued the sinking spirit of a lonely and messed up little girl of 15, and brought her through one of the toughest times of her life is quite a feat. She did that. And I will always love her for it!

Feel Better Suz!

On Being an Independent Woman

I may not necessarily seem like an independent woman these days...but I still am. And I have been since I turned fifteen years of age.

I lost my mother after a long battle she’d experienced with cancer, just a month - almost to the day, after I turned 15. I remember little about my teen years or any of the prior years of mom’s illness really.  Just bits of memories here and there. My father pretty much abandoned me then too, for the life he wanted to live...which excluded me. So, I was thrown into independence early on, one might say.

Back then, a young girl without guidance and direction from anyone, made for some pretty shaky traveling along life’s pathways. But I learned as I journeyed the way.

I quit school after my sophomore year because no one was there to pay tuition and books, or get me situated for a new school year. I hadn’t had a counselor, a teacher, or even a family friend or relative that had paid any attention to what I might be going through as a young girl who’d just lost her mom (and dad). No one seemed to care. 

My oldest sister did eventually take me to live with her and her family of four kids. I wanted desperately to go back to school and fulfill a silent promise I’d made to mom (and to myself) that I would be the one girl in the family that graduated. I did go back to school and I did graduate when I was supposed to, but went back after graduation, the following year, for the entire first semester, just to make up for the one I’d lost after initially dropping out.
I was elated to think that I had actually accomplished that in life!

I also promised myself (and my mom in heaven) that I would be married for a life time, no matter what. I guess after 44 years of married life (almost) and raising two kids, I am well on my way to fulfilling that promise as well.

I have written my life long and had told myself that I wanted to see a book published at some point. Raising kids and being busy with all their activities, volunteer work and church kept me so busy, I hardly had time to think about it really. But I was and always have had to be strong and independent in my life, and determined. And it was with that self determination that I saw my life long dream come to fruition in January of 2010. I had made up my mind that my kids needed a legacy. A tangible “something” that they could actually put their hands on after I’m gone. Therefore, I began compiling and editing years worth of material to make what would end up being my first book called; Wanderings Of A Wayward Heart...Ponderings Of A Well Found Soul. A book of selected poetry and short stories and quotes that reflected sixty years of life as I knew it.

I have discovered that even when you seem to be alone, or you have no encouragement or help along life’s byways, being your own encourager, and becoming a strong and independent thinking woman will propel you over the obstacles that you may find in the way.

Making up your mind to develope a strong will and employing a strong resolve to not allow those obstacles to discourage or dissuade you, will lead you to being able to accomplish goals you have set for yourself. To realize dreams that you’ve had for a life time. And, reassure you that you are a person of value and worth.

Many may think a woman shouldn’t be independent.

And my own independence was virtually forced upon me in life, and one that I was neither prepared for, nor wanted. But I can look back over the years now and see that being the indepedent person that I am has made so many things possible for me. Has made me appreciate the small blessings more, made me strong enough to endure the chronic illness I’ve dealt with for 34 years, as well as many hardships that have come, and ultimately, it has given me wings.

Don’t let anyone ever clip your wings and tell you that you shouldn’t fly! Your personal independence will help you soar higher than you ever thought possible. It did me, and I know it will for you.

Put to rest...

 We attended a life-long friends funeral the other day. I read a couple of poems. It's hard to try to sum up the total embodiment of a 96 year old soul in a mere few words. Marge Lester was somewhat of a home town legend. She was always "sweet" and kind to everyone, always had a ready smile and a helping hand.

She was a helping hand to her husband, Don and family. Worked beside him on their farm for years, and then in town when Don purchased the local Mobile Gas Station. I had known them from the time I was just able to walk clear on through the almost sixty-three years of my life.

Mama played piano in the band with Marge and their "gang." Only, Marge was able to make that wonderful music for 54 years, mama only lasted about 15 before leaving this earth to join heaven's musical troop. But those days are permanently embedded in my heart. My best childhood memories are wrapped up in the times that Marge and their crew of musicians and friends would gather together. It was just about an every week occasion. There'd be potlucks and barbeques, corn on the cob and homemade pies. The kids would ride the pigs at Fairchild's farm and chase chickens. And then there were the days that the group would play at the Ogden City Hall dances. I would often climb atop the chair trolley piled high with coats and fall fast asleep while the band played on, tired from all the running and chasing each other and shenanigans with the other kids there.  I would often be found standing on my dads shoes while he held my hands tight and danced me around the room to the tunes. To my knowledge, there was never a charge to attend the dances, never a fight, and parents never had to worry about their kids who were there. It was "that special time" that today's world will probably never have the pleasure of knowing. Unlocked doors, smiles that would greet you on the street and people actually talking together as they physically gathered together regularly in each others homes.

When mama and Marge and the gang weren't playing music together, they'd play cards, or go watch whatever events were going on at the park or just wherever.

Putting Marge to rest was difficult. It brought all those "good time" memories flooding back to me. I have those flash backs once in awhile and the result is always the same...tears. And then the whole "I know things would have been different, if only"... thoughts. If only mom would have been here to play those 54 years along with the band. Gotten to meet my husband and her two grandchildren. Shoot! She probably would even have had them both inducted into the band long ago!

Marvelous Marge. Aunt Modge, to me. She and Unca Don served as pivotal role models in my life. Of good, kind, warm and loving people. Of what "good people" are all about in life. I miss them. And I will miss just knowing that she's around. But I know good and well that she's joined mama, Fred, Chet and so many others gone on, as part of heavens band now. I know too, that on some days...especially when I'm feeling a little lonely or down, if I listen really hard...I will hear a few of those heavenly strains just when I need them most.

This is my "Thank you" to Marge for all that she was (and is yet) in my memory.  Cherished memories of another place and time, another world. One that helped sustain me through a long spell w/o those I loved the most closest to me. I drew strength from them. And everyone who ever knew Marge these many years past, could in deed draw strength by her exemplary life.

Good bye dear, Marge. Tell my mom I'll be there when the final sun sets for me. And I'll know just where to go when I get there when I hear the music playing.

Post Script:
Life changed dramatically for me at about age 12 when mama was diagnosed with cancer. I saw very little of her around the house, or dad. They were always having to go to Iowa City or some such other medical facility and or hospital. Our dear old sweet neighbors, Clyde and Daisy Hall looked after me some. She fixed great lunches for me every day when mom was gone. Not sure, as my memories of those days is so fuzzy, really where I spent the nights or even how I got to school most days. I think I went on my own for the most part. When mama died I had just barely turned 15 the month (almost to the exact day) before. Just when I needed her the most. Dad didn't seem to want me around anymore and I was left to fend for myself until my oldest sister-eighteen years my senior, (who I barely knew) took me into her home.

Marge represented the end of a great era in my life. She represented all that was good that I possessed from a vague and all too brief childhood. Her passing brought it all back to me and has probably affected me more than I can even realize. I do know one thing, even though we don't always see those who are special to us daily, or maybe not very often at all in our busy day to day routines, just knowing that they're gone can do a number on us. Unique and special people being gone from us, never to be replaced, can poke a right big hole in our hearts from time to time. And filling that empty place with just a bit of the essence they've left us as their legacy can help.